Can You Help Please? Sincerely, Sheila

Hopefully she had luck finding an honest mechanic.

4 Days and Counting... or How I Found The Ghost of Christmas Past

Year after year Im admonished by family and friends for not having a holiday spirit. I swear I have one, it just um... manifests itself differently.

During Thanksgiving dinner I listened skeptically as my sisters planned their Black Friday incursions with military precision. You guys don't know the meaning of Christmas, I lamented. I remember when Christmas was Christmas, not some stupid bargain hunting expedition. It's not about how many Xmas cards one sends or the number of presents one gets, it's about doing good deeds. You know, good cheer to all mankind and all than stuff.

Oh really Mr. Smartypants, tell us about your good deeds. When was the last time you got the family tree Mom asked. Er... 2007? Yes indeedy - 2007 it was, I responded. Wrong you cheapskate, it was 2005, my wife chimed in. (How I managed to stay under the radar this long is a wonder even to me).

Hey, I always pitch in. I help every year, I protested. Lots of raised eyebrows and a howls of laughter. I knew what was coming - cheapskate profiling. A finely honed and well practiced family tradition of zinging and razzing.

The table talk centered on whose turn it is to procure the tree and delegation of general duties. Mom - KD (kitchen duty); Dad - EDD (exterior decoration duty); sisters - KD (kitchen duty) and IDD (interior decorations duty); brothers - B&WP (beer & wine procurement); Wife - KOWFGOEND (keeping ole Will from getting on everyone's nerves duty).

Ah yes, dinner... I was being targeted. I sensed it was something planned. The pressure built and it was unrelenting - it came from all sides - from Mom (yes Mom!), the wife, my siblings, even the nieces and nephews. Dad's too busy trying to recruit volunteers for the Xmas lighting - no takers. Then the zinger of all zingers. Uncle Will, Mommy says you're really cheap. That from my 5-year old niece little Sarah. Touche Sis! Wait until you see what I put in your Christmas stocking.

By the end of dinner I was a broken man (financially speaking of course - I paid the kids to get lost). Alright, alright, I'll do it, I burst out! For the record I maintain it wasn't the pressure - I'm stubborn to a fault. Rather the warm Christmas (punch) spirit I felt flowing through my brain.

A few days later we met at dawn on a blustery Sunday morning at Mom's house. I loaded up the car with my shopping consultants - the nieces and nephews actually. Our mission on this cold Worcester morning was to procure a Christmas Tree. This year it was coming out of my pocket.

We cruised around Worcester - Greendale, Burncoat, Gold Star Blvd., Main South. Plenty of lots, but no activity. Nothing's open. This sucks, I said. Come on - it's the crack of dawn - whatcha expect, my wife retorted. Normal people are sleeping at this hour.

By the time we hit Mill Street the kids were whining for some hot chocolate. No go guys -we're on an mission from Grandma. She needs this tree fast or else Christmas will be canceled. Ya gotta focus - OK?, I said. Yeah right Einstein. You forget, you're talking to a bunch of 5th graders. Logic escapes them. You tricked them into this, so now you're paying.

Then we hit Park Ave. and as we approached Chandler St. at light speed, I caught a glimpse of a sign - CHRISTMAS TREES. Bingo! I slammed the brakes. Managed a 180 on two wheels - hefty squeals from the kids - and brought the car safely to a halt in front of Ernie's Discount Trees. Uncle Will do that again, little Sarah squealed. My white faced wife gave me The Look. Hey there's movement in there - it's open, I yelled. The EAGLE has landed!

Let's get this over with real fast OK guys, I said. The doors flew open and the kids hit the ground running, swarming the lot like a hoard of ants on a tootsie roll on a blistering summer sidewalk.

Ernie, if that's his real name, greeted us with a cheery good morning. Well, as good as one can conjure up at 8:08am on a freaking cold morning. Where are the cheap trees, I inquired. Ernie smiled wryly and with a sweeping gesture of his arm - there they are. I pointed to my wife and said, hey pal she's only got twenty bucks. So be nice. Ernie shook his head and gave a wry smile.

As the minutes ticked by, I whined and moaned with every price tag I saw. Man-o-man dem prices are outrageous, I proclaimed loudly and within earshot of Ernie. Geez, with dem prices we'll be eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for Christmas guys. Then I saw one for 60 bucks! You can fagitabout the turkey guys. It's PB&J's for Christmas dinner.

The kids were focused - searching for acceptable, ahem, cheap candidates. Mrs. Will was now in command and barked orders. She sized up each and every tree the kids hauled over for inspection. Extolling it's virtues or lack thereof. I kept looking at my watch and moaned - loud enough that Ernie might feel an iota of sympathy with our plight. Hey buddy, I called out to Ernie, where's the free coffee? He pointed down Park Ave to Dunkins. OK, so he has a sense of humor too.

After 26 long cold minutes the kids lined up the finalists, ranging from $30 to $40! Definitely PB&J's for Christmas, I blurted out. As Mrs. Will turned away, my nephew, Junior, sneaked in my choice. That stunt cost me $5. It was an admittedly wretched example of a tree, but for 30 bucks... hey its the thought that counts.

The charade was on and Junior played his part well. He told my wife it's a $50 model, all the while hiding its crooked back. I did the ole razzmatazz on the others. Like, honey, this one has a club foot, or that one has a hunk of leprosy. One by one they dropped out of the competition. The perfect - ahem - tree was now within our grasp.

Now it was time to put the screws on Ernie. Come on man, I hate PB&J's. The kids hate PB&J's. Everybody hates PB&J's. Make my Christmas. Come on - $25 bucks right?
Ernie looked at my wife, her big brown eyes frozen in their sockets, and then the kids, their lips blue and teeth clattering. The frozen air was tense. All eyes were on Ernie. Come on pal, make our day. He gave the nod. Sold, 25 bucks!

You're a scholar and a gentlemen sir, I professed. My wife hugged me - relief obviously. She was worried my stubborn streak was gonna kick in, knowing we could have been there another couple hours haggling. The kids hollered Merry Christmas and off we were. Little Sarah hugged Ernie's leg. Ernie waved and gave another wry smile. Ernie's a pretty wry guy. I guess.

And so the story ends. The family got a tree, albeit with a crooked back, and everyone is happy. Well except me, I'm out $30!

There is of course a moral to the story. I hope you like peanut butter, because soon that's the only thing you'll be able to afford. But look on the bright side - it's healthy.

Dear Santa, it's me again...

I'm gettin down to the business of putting together my Christmas wish list.

I've been a very good boy this year, as I have every year, and I'd like to use all those brownie points I've earned to wish for a couple CDs.  Do you think your elves could burn a couple for me? Yule Struttin' and Blue Yule.

Best wishes to you and Mrs. Claus and have a nice Thanksgiving!

Yours truly,

William

PS. If you need directions, let me know. Do you have GPS?
Plug these in: N42°15.87378. W071°47.96424

Greetings From Sunny Hawaii Suckers!

Having a great time in freaking sunny HAWAII! The temp is 89! Hey, the water is a lot better than Coes or Bell Pond. Even got a lifeguard here. The beach is like 40 miles from here. We get there with the local bus. We're
staying at Ray's Maui Wowi Motor Lodge. Got a good deal online. Ray's pretty cool. He and his girlfriend, Monique, they smoke a lot!


Lots of neat things to do like eat, drink, and sleep. They even got an all-you-can-eat buffet for $3.99 pp! Freaking great deal! All kinds of Burritos. This is better than Super Chinese Buffet. And this place even got 16oz Gannies and a freaking pool with a bar in it! A freaking paradise!
El problemo dudes. They ain't cool on camos around here. The concierge got on my case so I had to dump the cut-offs. So I bought a red Speedo at the local Dollar Store. Ya know, red really attracts fish. Hey, I thought they were colorblind?
I heard it's like 15 in Wusta - way to go suckers!
Ha ha ha... Will W. W. & Family

Out On The Town - The Canal District

We were out and about last weekend. Carousing the Canal District in search of stimulating conversation with some non-braindead locals, an avant-garde country music venue, or a swanky noodle palace. Alas - we found nothing of the sort. Just boring Bud drinking proletariats as far as the eye can see. I guess that proves Wusta is as low-brow as low-brow can be. Hey, maybe I'm wrong.
Walking down Green Street, we caught a couple of testosterone-laden yokels outside a bar enmeshed in a Saturday nite barroom rite. We had no idea what it was about. Most likely about the two chicks; they seemed to have a vested interest in the outcome. Lucky them!
So I caught this piece of Saturday night fun on video for ya.

Christmas Card Karma

Got the 2nd Xmas card of the season today. From a lawyer!

Times must be really tuff if he's sending me a Christmas card.

Parasitic Mothers and facebook

A while ago I posted a video from a desperate wannabe internet personality named Channing. I thought nothing much of it, just a weird 10 year old looking for attention. Reminds me of Paulie (I want  my 15 minutes too) Collyer.

Two things caught my attention the other day. The number of page views it got - 276 and counting - and I found something inexplicable in my stats. The same search term appearing several times a day over the past week. I've never seen anything like it before; as if someone was pinging me. Eventually I clicked through and whata ya know, I landed on Channing's facebook page!
So it seems goofy little Channing wants to become a facebook star. I looked the page over. It was decked out with silly sycophants and nonsensical meanderings i.e., Jay Leno  played my video on his show!, praising and touting a 10 year old. I thought about it a bit. Something's fishy here. No 10 year-old writes like that. It seemed to me someone else was behind it. Someone's trying to boost her profile. Her Mom maybe? A thought, why would a mother name a kid Channing? It sounds like a piece of Pottery Barn furniture.
So here's my take folks. I'm pretty sure Mom, who I think has a serious case of low self-esteem, is behind this. I recently read about helicopter parenting. What I learned was that parents project their inadequacies and deficiencies on to their children - assuming their child is a looser like themselves - and thereby forcing esteem enhancing activities on them to compensate. This is most pronounced with women with a single child; some adult females will do anything for the attention they never received in adolescence. In this case, Channing becomes essentially a host. (... in biology a human, animal, plant, or other organism in or on which another organism, especially a parasite ...) Um, a parasitic mother lives out her unfulfilled adolescent fantasies through her child. Oh... this is the stuff horror films are made of. 
So Mom is pushing this hapless child into the spotlight, so I guess we know where this thing is going. I wanted to say I feel bad for Channing missing out on a childhood. Mommy do I have to do the camera thing again? I want to play with other kids. No, Channing get back here. You're gonna be famous whether you like it or not. But it's a crazy world out there and parents frequently make poor decisions with regards to their childrens' interests. It's all about Mom and Channing wanting the spotlight. But maybe I'm wrong?
Ya know what? I say we need a law that forbids kids from coming into contact with electronic devices before age 21. Electronic devices and kids don't mix well especially when a bizarre parent is involved.
I just hope someone calls child services.

WWW Working For Worcester!

Turkey, Turkey Lurky, Cold Turkey, Wild Turkey

Minced Oaths

Got the first C-card of the season today.
From a real estate agent.
Jeez...

Public Service Announcement - Beware!

Killer drugs are back in the news this week. The T&G (actually just Clive McFarlane) is reporting a surge of drug apprehensions for Marijuana by state and local authorities - two actually.
WWW is appealing to all readers of this blog to be on the lookout for any suspicious behavior and report it immediately to the authorities.
Have a happy and safe holiday. Editor.

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